They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
