There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
