Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I got inside last night via doggy door
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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