He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
