I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
