I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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