please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
