The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Randomize
