I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
