If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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