M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
