i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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