38 yer olds are good kisserssss
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
