There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
