i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize
