go do what you do best...puke behind churches
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
