don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
