Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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