I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
