The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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