Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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