Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
