My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
what the fuck happened to the tacos
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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