i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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