I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I cut my penus on the lid.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
