Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Randomize
