if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
