im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
