Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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