I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Randomize
