and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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