This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
