My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize