Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
