just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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