I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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