i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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