drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
