I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
