Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Congratulations! We have a period
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