can u get pink eye on your cock?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
