We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
He keeps bees of course he's weird
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
