sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Vodka?
Forever.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
