I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
