You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
