I will die if light touches me.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
