She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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