Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
