Well douche your snatch and let's go!
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
