My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
